Retarded Jimmy's

retarded jimmy's has moved

2003-08-12T19:14:00.000-05:00

That's right, like the Jeffersons, we're moving on up. Check us out at our neato new digs (and domain!) at http://www.retardedjimmy.com

Skippy Squeeze Stix

2003-08-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Why are people feeding their kids this crap? On a recent viewing of some quality Cartoon Network programming (Totally Spies, that show rocks), I noticed a brightly colored commercial starring a rocking cartoon kid for a new product from Unilever Bestfoods, Skippy Squeeze Stix. Apparently they were "totally awesome" and "the coolest," and so of course I felt compelled to try them. Fortunately, you too can try this delicious new product! And here's how! 1. Open a jar of peanut butter. 2. Eat some. 3. Repeat. I hope I don't get sued for revealing this, but S.S. Stix are actually peanut butter in a tube. That's it. Frankly they're disgusting. It's like eating straight ketchup from a six inch plastic tube, but with more fat. I checked the nutrition facts, there's like 20 percent of your daily allowance for fat in each stick. At six stix a box, that's over a day's worth of fat crammed down whatever kid's maw that eats this junk. Stay away, moms! When I was a kid, all we ate was good healthy stuff, but these kids today with their Lunchables and Squeeze Stix-- they wouldn't know good from a hole in the ground! I didn't completely waste my 3 bucks though-- the box provides some entertainment. "Q: What do peanuts, carrots, and lava all have in common? A: They all come from the same place... Underground!" Hilarious! A++! There's even a little history: "DID YOU KNOW George Washington Carver was famous for his crazy inventions... using peanuts, he invented ink and soap!" Yes, ink and soap, the two craziest inventions of the last millenium. This millenium, however, is reserved for the barely edible junk that is Skippy Squeeze Stix. S3: 2 out of 10 Go-gurt knockoffs

Sears Tower Skydeck, Chicago, IL

2003-08-10T17:05:00.000-05:00

Took a road trip yesterday to Chi-town, the Windy City, the "town that Billy Sunday could not shut down!", Chicago! (I'm not really sure who Billy Sunday is). And what trip to the Architectural Capital of the World would be complete without an elevator trip to the top of 110 stories of good old American Ingenuity? Not ours, apparently. So after a delicious meal of the best pizza in the Midwest, Gino's East (which is really a whole review in itself), we taxied our way to 233 South Wacker Dr., and the Sears Tower Skydeck. I'd been there before maybe seven or eight years ago, but when you already live in St. Louis, a city whose main attraction is going up really high in an elevator, all the skyward trips kind of melt together. The line started outside, and after a few minutes we made our way in through a metal detector. I should also mention that this was my first trip to a major manmade lanmark since 9-11, and while you could tell there was security around, it wasn't really obvious. There were signs that we were being watched, and cameras around, but nobody really seemed nervous. From the ground, there is about a three floor elevator trip up to the main Skydeck (read "Tourist Trap") lobby, where we found yet another line, and another, and another. It took us a total of an hour and a half to just make our way to the elevator to go up! We even talked to one of the operators there and he said they were keeping the place open late that just to keep up with the demand. Now, if it was free, this might be a different story, but a trip up to the top sets you back nine bucks a person. Really, an hour and half of just standing in line was a bit much to see Chicago from above. Before we "got high" (you knew I'd go there at least once), we were treated to an 8 minute piece of propaganda about how the Sears tower is the greatest. tower. EVER. I'm not kidding when I say that the smooth, deep-voiced newsanchor narrator called it "somewhere between Chicago... and heaven." Cute. Probably sacreligious and blasphemous, but cute. My friend also pointed out that they say you can see four states from the top, but she didn't think Illinois should really count as one of them. Finally the lights came back on, the doors opened, and we headed to the top at 1600 feet/minute, which for elevators is really, really fast. That part was cool. Too bad the lines didn't move 1600 ft/min, otherwise that would have been cool too. The views, of course, were neat as well, and there are various pieces of Chicago trivia and landmark info circling the floor. You can stay as long as you want until it's back to yet another line for the ride down, a gauntlet of gift shops, and you exit the tower about two and a half hours later having seen it all, but from above. All in all, it's worth one trip if you've never been up there before, but if you do go, bring an interesting friend, a book, or a GBA because you'll have to wait a while. A little more entertainment while waiting would have definitely justified the nine bucks I spent, but I'm glad I went anyway. Sears Tower Skydeck: 6.5 out of 10 Chicago postcards

"Reanimation" - Linkin Park

2003-08-08T12:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't completely jumped on board the rock/rap bandwagon quite yet. I like a few Limp Bizkit tracks, every once in a while P.O.D., and I got a few good listens out of Evanescence's album (mostly because of Amy Lee's haunting voice). Linkin Park, however, always seemed a little too MTV for me. Until I heard Reanimation. Though their regular studio albums might not deviate much from the tried and true pounding guitars and harmonized rhymes, here they put their money where their mouth is, and make clear the reason why rock and hip-hop decided to collide in the first place. It started out, I guess, as a sort of rerelease of their Hybrid Theory album, a set of guest cameos and remixes featuring songs from their catalogue. But these versions go over and above whatever tracks preceded them. "In the End", formerly an apathetic teen anthem, gets sampled, cut up, rapped over by Motion Man, and becomes "Enth E Nd", a new school white boy hip-hop staple. "Forgotten", on of the most easily Forgettable tracks on Hybrid Theory, gets cleaned up Jurrassic 5 style, and DJ Alchemist and the utterly amazing Chali 2na turn it into "Frgt/10", a dark, brooding classic. "One Step Closer", maybe one of LP's biggest TRL hits (we're talking screaming female fans begging Daly to play 30 seconds of it), cuts out most of the main vocal, gets electronica and strings courtesy of the Humble Brothers, a riff courtesy of Korn's Jonathan Davis, and becomes "1 Stp Klosr", which combined with "Krwlng" (used to be "Crawling"), make the last 10-11 minutes of the album one giant, beat-flowing masterpiece. Again and again, through 20 tracks, pretty much everything here sounds terrific. If you're looking for a justification of why Run DMC and Aerosmith combined turntables and guitars in the first place, here it is. Linkin Park, with a lot (ahem-- a LOT) of help from hip-hop's finest, supercede anything they've done before, and the result is amazing. "Reanimation": 9 out of 10 ones and the twos

Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life

2003-08-07T23:48:00.000-05:00

Angelina Jolie is back as Lara Craft based on the popular video games. The second going is directed by Jan De Bont of Speed fame. The story follows Lara Croft in search for pieces of a map that will lead them to Pandora's Box. An evil biological weapons manufacturer played by Ciarán Hinds (who actually didn't do that bad of a job) wants Pandora's box to sell to the highest bidder. The highest bidder being chosen from terrorist groups. From other reviews I was under the impression that this was going to be better than the original, which would not be that hard to do. This movie is just as bad as the original if not worse. The acting is terrible. The directing is terrible. The plot is terrible. The action scenes are not that bad but not good either. Too many times in this movie I did not get what the point of certain actions were or how stupid/unbelievable some actions were. Here is an example: at one point in the movie Lara is underwater and does not have an oxygen tank so she decides to cut herself so that a shark would come by and she could punch it in the nose and then ride it to the surface. You heard me, she punched a shark in the nose and the shark felt obliged to take her to the surface and then leave.... This movie is filled with these moments that its almost painful to watch. When Lara is not punching sharks in the nose she likes to show-off for no real reason. I almost think she has some penis envy going or something. There is one scene where her and the love interest played by Gerard Butler seem to be having a pissing contest on who can ride motorcycles the best. The only thing I enjoyed about this movie was the nip suit (if you see it you will know what I am talking about) and the shadow guardians. Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life: 1 out of 10 shark punches

Batman: Dark Tomorrow

2003-08-06T13:51:00.000-05:00

I guess I didn't really expect much anyway. There hasn't really ever been a Batman game you could call "good" without feeling a tinge of guilt. But when the CG came up to open the game, didn't look half bad, and even featured Ra's Al-Ghul, I got a little excited feeling down in the pit of my stomach that maybe, somehow, some way, Kemco had actually made a good Batman game. And then my hopes were crushed. Repeatedly. With a hammer. Level 1: Batman, seeing the Batsignal, prepares to make his way across the city rooftops to meet Commissioner Gordon. He selects his trusty Batcable, fires it out into the darkness, and swings across the urban chasm, then heroically flips in midair, and... falls to his death. Again, and again, and again. He has zero air control-- if you're headed off the building, you're off the building. You'd think he'd realize he was going the wrong way and try to grab something at least, but no. Maybe he's suicidal... fifty years of flashbacks of his parents getting murdered and crazy villians trying to kill him doesn't affect him emotionally, but this videogame makes him want to jump headfirst off a building. It doesn't help that Kemco has wisely implemented THE WORST CAMERA EVER. They must have specifically designed this thing to hinder you from seeing anything you actually need to see, like the next building you have to jump towards. It's like Resident Evil in that you have no control over it at all, but unlike RE in that it's fixed on nothing that actually helps you play the game. But I suffered through it all, dear reader, because this game was written by the same team that wrote Final Fantasy III (that's right, the SNES one, maybe the best FF ever). Heck, I said, I played through the crap that was Enter The Matrix for its story, I can stick with this too. Nope. When Batman finally makes it to the Batsignal (an hour later-- I'm surprised the Commish didn't give up and go home), Gordon tells him that "a gang with black masks" is attacking some square, and Batman, the world's greatest detective, deduces that this must be the BLACK MASK GANG!!! Hey Batman, I heard a man with a "face like clay" and somebody who looks like a "penguin" are causing trouble over at the Gotham Reservoir! Who could it be?!? There's more, unfortunately, but I'll spare you the rest (mostly because I gave up soon after that). The controls are terrible, the graphics look like early N64, the music skips and transitions wrong, the voice acting is bad across the board. Don't even bother renting this junk-- a few cents might go to Kemco, and nobody wants that. Should I hold out hope for Rise of Sin Tzu later this year? It's gonna be tough after this one. Batman: Dark Tomorrow (GC): .5 out of 10 dead Joel Schumachers

The O.C.

2003-08-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

Yes, I watched it. The story revolves around Ryan Atwood, a street smart teen played by Benjamin McKenzie, that finds himself living in orange county with a bunch of rich people. He moves in with the Coopers (a rich family). Peter Gallagher, Mischa Barton, and Tate Donovan make up the family. Tate Donovan plays the nerdy son. A nerd by tv standards, he has no friends and can't talk to girls and the jocks pick on him. All the rich neighborhood girls (none of which are ugly) are quickly smitten to Ryan. This leads to trouble with the local cool guys as well as with Tate. Blah, Blah, Blah, its the same story Ive seen a hundred times before. Ryan is the tough guy with a heart of gold that helps people out and doesn't pick on Tate and yes the actor that plays Ryan is in his late 20's. Ryan is also from the ghetto which makes the cool rich people think less of him, that is besides the hot next door neighbor who also has a heart of gold. Awwwwww its so sweet it could be made into a television show for fox. If all goes well this show will not last past the first season. The O.C.: 2 out of 10 regurgitated drama stories

The Hours

2003-08-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

Intertextuality-- don't even get me started about intertextuality. The Hours is a movie made from a screenplay that was based on a book that was also based on another book. And now you're reading a review of it on an electronic page based on another page of coded text, that code written by another set of coded lines somewhere hidden among Blogspot's computers. Life itself is a series of texts, one of top of the other, on top of the other again. Virginia Woolf realized this when she wrote "Mrs. Dalloway," a novel about a woman's normal day that, supposedly, from which can be eventually extracted all the elements of her, and human, life. Michael Cunningham, years later, reads that book, and writes another about three seemingly normal days (Woolf writing the novel, a 50s housewife reading it, and a 2001 aging gay professional woman acting it out) that, again, show there is plenty to see behind the curtain-- love, loss, death, and, in the end, life. And now David Hare and Stephen Daldry write and direct a movie based on Cunningham's book that adds even more layers to the whole story, the grand parade of humanity. And the movie works on that level, anyway. Though the story can be at times unclear, the tremendous acting and craft evident in the film is enough to support all three stories as a series of minute connections, each affecting and/or dependent on the other. What you're left with is not a story per se as much as a group of moments that tell of a larger picture themselves. Nicole Kidman, unrecognizable with a nose, as Woolf walking suicidally into a river, Ed Harris' AIDS infected poet wondering why he should stick around, Meryl Streep's modern Mrs. Dalloway reminicsing about happiness with her daughter, and Julianne Moore's housewife trying to make a cake ("It's so easy!") but just not able to get it-- Woolf was right, you can reach all the way back to the edge of human emotion from a series of everday occurences. Unfortunately, this was a movie released during Oscar season. Despite the honesty and strength of the theme, there is a bit of pretension hidden about in different places, and there are so many "burst into tears" scenes about the horrible weight of existence that it does get to be a bit much after a while. Still, taken all together, it's a powerful, well-crafted statement of a film, both a tribute to and an analysis of the texts that came before it. The Hours: 8 out of 10 lonely, out-of-place heroines

Art of the Saber

2003-08-03T00:51:00.000-05:00

Hell hath no fury like a geek scorned. We all wait a decade and a half for a new Star Wars movie, and all we got was Jar-Jar Binks. And so, digital camera getting as cheap and easy to use as they are, geeks everywhere had no choice but to add to the trilogy themselves spawning hours upon hours of parodies, original shorts, backyard kids and their friends with plastic lightsabers, and basement kids who have no friends except their lightsabers (sorry that was a cheap shot-- I'll be your friend, Ghyslain). Unfortunately, not everybody with Adobe Premiere and a digital camera can turn out gold, and plenty of it ends up being pretty much unwatchable. Not so for Art of the Saber. These guys appear to know the rules of good fanfilm (keep it simple and cool), and execute them well. The lightsaber effects look like they're supposed to, the various sources (Jedi vs. Sith, a civil war letter, and music from Gladiator) are melded cohesively together, and the stunts build steadily and wow frequently-- a few of the lightsaber twirls are almost mindblowing. There are a few problem spots, especially when they try a bullet-timey slowdown, but for two guys, three lightsabers, and a camera, this is really excellent stuff. Go pick it up right now at TheForce.net. These guys deserve every bit of recognition they get. Not all of the spawn of Lucas' Phantom Menace folly is worth even a second look, but these guys (they call themselves the Ho Brothers) are proof positive that there are a few diamonds in the rough worth finding. Art of the Saber: 8.5 out of 10 padawan wannabes (sorry, another link to the SWK, but I can't help it, he cracks me up)

Ape Escape 2

2003-08-03T00:04:00.000-05:00

If you consider yourself a platformer expert and you haven't played Sony's original Ape Escape for the PSX, go pick it up. Right now. It was an amazing, inventive piece of originality that taught the rest of the industry how to put those little joysticks on the controller to good use, as everyman Spike set out time-travelin' to catch a zooful of monkeys. I loved it, and when I heard the sequel, released in Japan a few years ago for the PS2, was headed westward (or eastward, depending on which way you go), I got in line as soon as possible. Having caught a few monkeys and picked up a few gadgets, however, I'm thinking the sequel should probably just have been called AE 1.5. The control scheme that made the first one so different is still in place. You move with the right joystick (jump with R1), and operate your various gadgets (everything from Monkey Radar to a neat remote control car) with the left stick. The level designs are kooky but fairly strong, and there are enough monkeys to catch to keep it interesting the whole way, not to mention that all 300 (!) monkeys have different behaviors and bios for you to contend with. A new unlocking system has been added to open up level music, secret pictures, 3 minigames, and other primate weirdness (Monkey Fables? They're funny though). The whole game has a sense of fun that's as crazy as the escaped apes you have to deal with in every stage, and the extras add a huge replay value. Unfortunately, the game itself doesn't really differ too much from the first. There are only two new gadgets (out of 12, I believe), and while the graphics have been updated a bit (they were always kind of simple on purpose), they don't come close to the sights and sounds of PS2's best platformers nowadays. Plus, the joystick gimmick that was so original in the first has since been improved upon even more (as a golf swing in Tiger Woods, choosing plays in NFL 2K3 or weapons in Ratchet and Clank). Playing through the game feels more like playing a updated remake than an actual sequel, more like Evil Dead 2 than X2, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since the first one was so good. Ape Escape 2 ends up as a solid platformer, not the best of the bunch of bananas, but definitely a fun play for anyone who likes platformers. Ape Escape 2: 7.5 out of 10 silly simians

The Little Sister of Eluria, Stephen King

2003-07-31T23:47:00.000-05:00

Dark Tower. Roland the Gunslinger. The Wastelands. If you have no idea what I am talking about just stop reading because you will just get confused. For those of you still with me, Stephen King wrote a short story in his collection Everything's Eventual that finds Roland in his younger years. The Little Sisters of Eluria was a welcome return to a character that has been left dormant for too long. Stephen King assures his readers that the next volume of the Dark Tower Series is on its way (Wolves of the Calla). Anyway, this short story draws its reader in from the beginning painting the picture of an empty town that Roland happens upon in his wanderings. Okay, now I divulge. I can't review this story well without giving away everything. Instead I will draw the connections between novels. For those Stephen King junkies out there, you will read on and just start nodding your head in understanding. For those of you that don't know Stephen King from Winnie the Pooh's Adventures, I again apologize, but stop reading NOW! King's and Peter Straub's novels The Talisman and Black House talk about abandoned white tents. Well this is the setting for King's short story. If you have read these other books you know these tents have to deal with a vampire race of people. King examines these tents and their inhabitants more in depth along with Roland's place within this world. Roland, Ka, and the Territories were all welcome thoughts in Kings revelations about these Sisters of Eluria. Whenever an author can tie in every story he writes with one complete fictional land he is doing something right. He brought me back into his world and tossed me around for over 100 pages. For anyone that has read the Dark Tower series, I recommend this short story just to visit Roland again. For anyone just picking up the story, it doesn't do as much. Veterans to King: 8 out of 10 red roses around the Dark Tower Newbies to King: 5.75 out of 10 minutes trying to make the connection

Lucky Wander Boy, D.B. Weiss

2003-07-31T22:29:00.000-05:00

Little did we realize back in the early 1980s that the little yellow man pac-ing away the Power Pills or the angry monkey throwing barrels at the Italian plumber might actually mean something. First time novelist D.B. Weiss' protagonist Adam Pennyman philosophizes, waxes poetic, and, almost obscenely, obsesses about classic arcade games in this alternately satirically funny and surreal novel. Most of the surreal comes from the main plot, Pennyman's quest for a fictional mega-favorite of his that he never got to beat, "Lucky Wander Boy" (bad Japanese translation is a running joke in the book-- you have no chance to survive make your time). He compares his wandering relationships and search for meaning-in-copywriting job to the strange, wandering "Adventure" type game that he becomes more and more obsessed with finding and conquering. The comparison works fairly well, especially near the end, when each chapter starts to repeat itself, a completely different quarter and life than the last one. Most of the funny comes from the most interesting parts of the book, Pennyman's project, the Catalogue of Obsolete Entertainment, a compendium of old arcade games and their meanings, personal and universal. Pac-Man's wedgey mouth becomes a "universal hungering" for everything from Marx's lower class' retribution to a Buddist monk's for enlightenment, and Donkey Kong becomes an Antichrist of the Arcade, warper of worlds, condeming a Sisyphusian Mario to a lifetime of jumping over barrels towards an ideal Pauline that he can't ever actually attain, no matter how high a score he gets. This juxtaposition of academia and arcade is sometimes insightful, sometimes weird, and sometimes just plain silly. Still, Weiss keeps it interesting throughout. The book is worth a read, especially if you've spent more than a few hours with a 2600 or in a classic coin-op in the 80s. But, even more important, Weiss' book doesn't simply paint videogames as art (though it does, sometimes seriously), but is actually art -about- videogames. And that's an interesting idea. Da Vinci's Mona Lisa, Monet's Lillies, Dali's clocks, and Miyamoto's Mario? Little did we realize indeed. Lucky Wander Boy: 6.5 out of 10 video game icons

NCAA 2004

2003-07-31T17:19:00.000-05:00

Hi, my name is Mookie and I have been football free for almost 8 months now, but I recently fell off the wagon and picked up NCAA 2004 for PS2. I’ve now spent countless hours with my addiction. Like any college football fan I have eagerly been anticipating the start to the college football season and this game has transported me there. Unfortunately my alma mater is not “in the game” as EA so aptly puts it. When is someone going to include some D3 schools? Come on EA...are you listening! Anyway, I created my alma mater using the create a team option and used my imagination to pretend that they magically became a D1 competitor. The next thing I know we are in the National Championship. Yeah, I got my butt kicked and ended up number 4 for the season with one loss. Now here comes the best part of the game! The recruiting options have been improved and expanded. You can focus on 4 different things (coaching style, playing time, location, and school prestige) to get an impressionable high school player to your school. This is such a better interface than in 2003. In 2003 it was next to impossible to attract quality players if you finished under .500 or if you had low prestige. In 2004, you can promise playing time to some Blue Chips and convince them to come and turn your program around. WONDERFUL! Okay, the game play hasn’t changed much from 2003. The offensive and defensive playbooks have been improved and expanded. There are also numerous new tackling animations and team intros. AI has been improved as well so don’t be surprised if you make bad decisions and the computer picks 4-5 passes in one game. Overall this game has just added to my anticipation of this year’s college football season. The only thing missing is the belligerent student sections filled with drunk students. Even without that, this is a must have for any college football fan. NCAA Football 2004 (PS2): 8 out of 10 drunk college fans

Final Destination 2

2003-07-30T01:35:00.000-05:00

Unlike quite a bit of the movie going public, I actually enjoyed the first Final Destination. It came out as a sort of parody of splatter flicks, a slasher movie without an actual slasher, and the flurry of death at the end was worth the price of admission itself. So when the second movie came out, I tried to convince my horror hesistant brother to go see it with me. "It'll be great," I said, "They'll kill people in all sorts of funny ways! Killing! Funny ways!" He shrugged me off, and I was forced to catch the movie by myself, just out on Infinifilm DVD. He was right, unfortunately. The acting is just barely watchable, the script itself is tired and unclear, and the movie's directed by a former second unit director. But all that is forgiveable. In this movie, not killing people in funny ways is not. Oh sure, the special effects are done well, there's a neat disaster scene at the beginning, and the first few kills at least match the first movie in their "that's just not right", thrills and chills, Rube Goldberg kind of way, but halfway through, the movie does the one and only thing it can't-- becomes predictable. The only thing it has going for it is surprise and shock, and when you know at the beginning of a death scene how it's going to end, it has nothing going for it at all. You get a sense that there's much fun to be had here, but it's not put up on screen and that's too bad. Maybe in FD3, I guess (you know it's coming). Also, while I'm at it, I love the Infinifilm format. New Line takes it upon themselves to insert all kinds of special features and commentaries directly into the movie itself, so instead of watching a movie and then the features, it gets thrown at you all together (you can optionally watch the movie sans features, of course). It's a great idea, and they've put tons of features along with great audio and picture on their special edition DVDs, but my one question is this: Why have they only done it with crap? Why would I want to watch an Infinifilm John Q or 15 Minutes? They should do this with some of the better films in their catalog-- how cool would a Dark City or Pleasantville Infinifilm be? That's all I really want... Killing in funny ways and better DVDs from New Line. Final Destination 2: 4 out of 10 narrow escapes from death

Bad Boys 2

2003-07-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

Another summer action movie. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence come back to play the loose-cannon cops again with Joe Pantoliano as the always angry captain. As you can guess this was predictable and offered nothing new. However, I left my brain at the door and I really enjoyed this movie. Some very cool action scenes with some very cool cars and some very cool guns and very cool explosions. The movie at times was pretty gory (heads poping off of corpses and such) kinda threw me off guard. The jokes were hit and miss as well as the acting. For a summer action movie Bad Boys 2 delivers. Its fun and the action was top notch, that and slow motion bullets always adds a couple points in my book. Bad Boys 2: 7 out of 10 slow motion bullets

Super Ghouls and Ghosts

2003-07-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

Nostalgia can get you in trouble sometimes. It's pretty easy to forget that for every Legend of Zelda or Super Mario Bros. game, there were actually three or four Hudson Hawks, Where's Waldos, or, heaven forfend, Deadly Towers (one of which I actually owned, but modesty prevents me from revealing which one). But no matter how much we love the old beeps and boops of the old gen systems, we have to remember that old doesn't always equal gold. And such is the case with Super Ghouls and Ghosts for the GBA. I don't remember playing it when it first was released on the SNES, but the gameplay is forgettable anyway, so that's not saying much. It's a side-scrolling platformer/shooter in which you can't actually land on any of the platforms, or shoot at any of the enemies with anything resembling precision. The controls are rough to say the least, and the fact that you have to use them while dodging tons of huge, poorly defined enemies makes this game HARD. Really hard. Like not able to finish the first stage hard. And not that good hard that pushes you to play more and get better, but that bad hard that makes you lose fifty times and want to throw the game across the room. As I said, it is a rerelease, so it may be true that the controls and iffy graphics are port problems. Or maybe the difficulty level is supposed to play towards a more hardcore gamer-- "You're a wimp," say the pimply, stuck-up videogame elite, "you have to suffer if you want to play classics like this." That might be true, except for the fact that there are actual classics on the GBA like Yoshi's Island and Metroid Fusion (basically Super Metroid version 1.5). With amazing games like those to play, why should I have to suffer through poor ports of games just because they came out before 1995? On my GBA, I'll stick to the good stuff, thanks. Although, it's true, every once in a while nostalgia takes me in again, and I find myself loading up NESticle and remembering how much fun I had with Hudson Hawk... Super Ghouls and Ghosts: 2 out of 10 lame game rereleases

Underworld Mod For Half-life

2003-07-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

For those that do not know Underworld is a film being released sometime in August by Sony Pictures about Vampires fighting Werewolves and starring Kate Beckinsale. Needless to say the trailer looks pretty cool. While messing around with their website I found that Sony had decided to make a mod for halflife as a publicity stunt. I really like this publicity stunt. Give away a free mod based on your upcoming movie to your target audience. Unfortunately, I'm not reviewing the publicity stunt but the actual mod. There are two teams for the mod the vampires and werewolves. You get to pick which team and what your skin. Every team gets the same weapons for the most part. At most the pistol or melee weapon is different. This is a poor mistake since there is no difference between you and any of your teammates. Makes the team aspect of it a little more pointless. The weapons themselves while looking pretty are all dumb. They feel like you are shooting a rubber pellet gun. The werewolves get to run fast while the vampires get to jump high that is the only real difference. The actual goal of the game is to get these hybrids into certain locations and then you earn points for your team. This is a great idea if my team had ever stopped to not kill the stupid things or having to wait an incredibly long time to get them to respawn. The levels are the only redeeming factor of this game. They are pretty and large and from looking at the trailers keep the feel of the movie. In short this mod stinks: crappy weapons, lack of individuality, dumb goal since the hybrids will die. The cool levels and the idea that it is a publicity stunt and free can't save it. If you want to see the site with the trailer and the mod download you can go here: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/underworld/ Underworld Mod for Half-life: 3 out of 10 werewolf hunting vampires

Pirates of the Caribbean

2003-07-28T03:03:00.000-05:00

Avast ye scallywags! Methinks it's about time they started making some pirate movies! Ninjas, mutants, and robots always seem to get their due, but finally the big screen gets to see some good old fashioned swashbuckling (I'm forgetting "Cutthroat Island" on purpose). Too bad the movie's based on a ride, otherwise it could have been something really great. Don't get me wrong, director Gore Verbinski and producer Jerry "The Bruck" Bruckheimer still weave a few strands of gold from straw, mostly Johnny Depp's great performance as Captain Jack Sparrow. With dirty dreadlocks, gold teeth, and a bandana, Depp takes over every scene he's in. Geoffrey Rush does well also, while Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley do their part and play background to the fighting pirate crews. The plot revolves around some kind of curse and ancient gold, but the real story here is piracy, and lots of it. Looting, pillaging, rowdiness, and general scoundrelry are the weapons of the day, and the movie has plenty of loud crazy fun with them. Verbinski even moves toward creating a timely theme-- Depp's rowdy, cheating captain and his dirty crew are in stark contrast to the arrogant, polite British navy that pursues them, and since the film is set in what is basically colonial America, there is a palpable sense that Sparrow's piracy is actually an emerging American spirit, ready to rebel against the Redcoats. How lucky are we, to be descended from pirates! Though he hints at grandeur like that, Verbinski doesn't make it all that far, and there are a few other problems. The movie ends a bit too long, despite some terrific and seamless Harryhausen skeleton special effects, and background characters lose focus eventually over too many subplots, especially for a movie based on an amusement park feature. Still, it's definitely a welcome sight as a well-made, fun pirate movie. Bloom's character, dragged early on into one of Jack Sparrow's piratey plans, comments warily, "This is either madness or brilliance." Sparrow replies, "It's remarkable how often those traits coincide," and he's right. This movie's got a little of both. Pirates of the Caribbean: 8.5 out of 10 men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

28 Days Later

2003-07-27T17:59:00.000-05:00

28 Days Later is another zombie-type film directed by Danny Boyle. The basic story is some hippies decide to free some monkeys that are being experimented on. These monkeys are infected with "rage." That is why I say it is a zombie-type film. The infected are not zombies but are just filled with rage and decide to kill uninfected humans. They never really addressed why they did not attack each other. Im guessing they knew not to eat other infected beings. The virus is spread through blood and takes effect within seconds. There is nothing really special about the zombies themselves they act like crazed animals and die just like uninfected people. The plot follows Jim (played by Cillian Murphy) who is in an accident and wakes up 28 days later from when the hippies let lose the virus. Im not going to give away anymore of the plot which was mediocre anyways. What really stood out for me was how well and just plain cool the movie was directed. It had a gritty feel to it and so many cool shots. The acting was also well done. The movie itself looked out what people do to survive when in very bad situations. People will do just about anything to ensure their survival, even kill. At times in the film they talk about or show that at times they could not tell the people that were infected with rage from people that were not infected but looking to survive or are also filled with hatred. That is a pretty freaky thought. Now onto the scariness factor. I did not think it was that scary. Don't get me wrong some parts were pretty freaky but I'm not gonna lose any sleep after watching this. 28 Days Later: 7 out of 10 "rage" infected humans

"Beauty of the Rain" - Dar Williams

2003-07-26T13:22:00.000-05:00

The more I hear of these folk-tinged singer songwriters, the more I like them. Though Williams strays a bit more into the mainstream from her folky roots (helped out by a set of all-star backups), her latest outing both plays well, and has the songwriting chops to make you read the lyrics like poetry. She's strongest here when she focuses on melodies. Blues Traveler frontman Jon Popper, Oh Brother She's Everywhere Alison Krauss, and banjo-er Bela Fleck help make "I saw a Bird Fly Away," "Closer to Me," and "The One Who Knows" standouts, but Williams shines by herself as well on the amazing title track and the atmospheric "Mercy of the Fallen." Other tracks move a little closer to Jewelville than I'd like, and a who-is-he cameo by Cliff Eberhardt on "Whispering Pines" is uninspired, and uninteresting. DMB's Stefan Lessard also makes a showing on a few tracks, as does MMW's John Medeski, but neither stands out near as much as any of the other backups. Still, even when the music itself is lacking, Williams is able to be both poetic and mysterious (and even funny on "Your Fire Your Soul") in her lyrics. I admit, I'm a Dar newbie, but this album definitely has found a place in my collection (and my head, every once in a while). Williams continues excellently in the tradition of singer-songwriters, and even those who happen to hear a bit of her on the radio will find enough goodness to be satisfied here. "Beauty of the Rain": 8 out of 10 Alison Krauss cameos

Nintendo's Wavebird Controller

2003-07-25T01:11:00.000-05:00

As a rule, I hesitate to spend too much money on videogame accessories. With the life of any given system only about five years or so, I'd rather spend the money on good games than a steering wheel or even a light gun. Still, when I bought my Gamecube a few months ago, I always planned to pick up a Wavebird. The only (that I can remember) first party wireless controller on the market, looks, plays, and feels like the real thing. Two AA batteries are in the handset, which transmits on one of ten frequencies to a reciever that connects nicely on the system itself. I really didn't notice a weight difference between wired or wireless, and the buttons feel the same. I was told that there would be a small delay due to transmission, but I didn't really notice one, even playing maybe 20-22 feet away. Also, since it's a transmitter instead of an IR signal (such as a television remote), the thing can point anywhere and works just fine. Dropouts happen, but aren't common at all. There are drawbacks-- first and foremost, no rumble feature. Rumble in a controller is something you don't really notice until it stops happening. Not a huge loss, but it does cut out one big element of gameplay, in some games more than others. I was kind of irked, also, that I'd have to keep ordering up batteries for the thing, but it is wireless, so that problem, too, is expected. As videogame accessories go, the Wavebird is a high quality wireless controller that any GC owner should appreciate, but the price itself (34.99 retail as of this writing) is not really worth admission-- if you really, really need to move back that 15 feet and don't have a steady Ninten-come (get it, Nintendo+Income?? I would also have accepted Super Mario Savings Account), buy an extension. On the other hand, if you find a deal on a used one, or won big on roulette last weekend, pick the WB up. It's no NES Power Glove, but it won't disappoint. Nintendo's Wavebird: 6 out of 10 Turbo Touch 360s

I'm with Busey

2003-07-23T00:17:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I had my doubts too, but man oh man this show is funny. It's a patented Comedy Central twist on reality shows-- they throw a "twenty something comedy writer" (according to the promo) named Adam in with b-movie (dare I say) superstar Gary Busey, and, as they say, hilarity ensues. Adam by himself is marginally funny-- like any current sitcom writer, he hits about half the time. His explanatory monologues that puncuate the show's action do just that-- punctuate the show's action. But the comedy star of the show, BY FAR, is the unwitting one, Predator 2's Busey himself. The man is literally, criminally, clinically, in every sense of the word, IN-sane. He rants and raves, flies right past Adam's jokes and any sense of the irony around him, but he does it with such a joy and wildness that you don't mind laughing at him at all. In a rant about technology, he claims a digital camera will blow Adam's mother up "into 56 pieces," which is wacky enough, but then goes on to tell Adam it'll take two weeks to find all of them. In another show, Busey falls off at least three chairs, trips while walking, and offers a woman who sinks a putt on a golf course "$2.50 worth of chicken" for doing so well. He is lunacy itself, and it was inspired lunacy on somebody, somewhere's part to film it all. Too many reality shows today are just the "I'm," uninspired, reedited, made-up dramas about boring people (like Adam?-- he "never felt a need" to get a driver's license and so takes the bus everywhere), but it's the "with Busey" that makes this one golden. I'm with Busey: 9 out of 10 crazy b-movie actors

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

2003-07-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

As a comic book fan I feel I should support any movie that is a comic book movie. That said, this movie was not that good. A mediocre plot, mediocre acting, mediocre action scenes, mediocre special effects (Mr. Hyde looked terrible), and mediocre directing. I did enjoy the look of the movie and their choice of characters (Dorian Grey, Dr. Jekyl, The Invisible Man, Mina Harker). However, this did not make up for my lack of caring about any of the characters. I have not read the Alan Moore comic book on which this is based. I have read other books of his and I know that in all of his works there is a message of some sort. This leads me to believe there was at one point in time a message that went along with this story. Furthermore, I did not see any message in the film. So I can draw two conclusions either Alan Moore didn't have a message or the people that made the film removed it in exchange for making it into a summer blockbuster movie where the viewers turn their brains off. I would bet on the second conclusion. Go see this movie if you want to see another summer movie where you don't have to think that has some of the finest conceived heroes/villians ever. Don't see this movie if you are expecting something that is on par with an Alan Moore book. Maybe one day they will get one of his stories done correctly, but until that day I will have to rely on other comic book movies like X-men to get my fix. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: 5 out of 10 Classic Heroes and Villians

Shanghai Knights

2003-07-21T03:14:00.000-05:00

This is a typical Jackie Chan film but minus one big thing that kinda ruined it for me. He did not do a big stunt at the end. His "stunt" at the end is fake, it was obviously filmed using a blue screen. I do not want to give away too much about the ending but when I go see a Jackie Chan movie I want to see a REAL cool fun stunt. They also seemed to try to involve alot of characters from the early 19th century, being Charlie Chaplin, Sherlock Holmes, and even Jack the Ripper. This is fine but they did so many and did it in such a hackneyed way that it got dumb. I will admit that the Jack the Ripper part was funny. Besides for these issues it was fun. Some cool and creative fight scenes, Owen Wilson bringing in the comedy, and the lovely ass-kicking Fann Wong. Shangai Knights: 6 out of 10 kung-fu fighting cowboys

Schloegel's Restaurant and Bakery, Menominee, MI

2003-07-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

Sorry about no posts for the past week here-- I spent my summer vacation in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, known to locals ("yoopers" in the local vernacular) as "Da U.P." It's the part of Michigan that doesn't look like a hand, and billions and billions of years of glaciers, fault lines, and the consistent beating of the area by storms from Lakes Michigan and Superior have turned the whole area into a beatiful, rugged, historic GIANT MOSQUITO NEST. Seriously, I got bitten more than a hemophiliac at a vampire convention-- it was ugly, let me tell you. Still, between swatting, I found the time to do some canoeing, touristing, and studying of the local Native American culture (I was up a few bucks on slots, but I lost my shirt on blackjack). On the way back the family and I stopped at Schloegel's Bayview Restaurant to sample a bit of the local cuisine, namely pasties. It's actually pronounced PASS-tees, a calzone-type of bread shell filled with chunks of meat, various vegetables, and gravy. Originating from Cornwall, England, the pasty was meant as (according to the literature) "a hot, hand-held one-dish meal" for miners in the area. It was pretty good-- I shyed away a bit simply because it was English cuisine, and the local variation included rutabegas, but it's worth a try for anyone visiting the area. Schloegel's itself is a nice, tourist friendly place overlooking the northern part of Green Bay on Lake Michigan. The view is neat, from an open view of the bay to a historic lighthouse on the south side. Meals will run about 7 to 20 bucks, depending on what you order (a pasty will set you back about $8.50). The service was fairly good, albeit slow, and in addition to the pasty, the "signature" Vidalia onion rings are a must have. Man, they were good. A nice restaurant all around, and a nice capper to a good, long week of vacation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a blood transfusion because I've been bitten by mosquitoes the size of birds-- is it bad that I can't feel my legs? Da U.P. (with mosquitoes): 0 out of 10 swampy breeding grounds Da U.P. (with bug spray-- lots and lots of bug spray): 8 out of 10 vacation days Schloegel's Restaurant and Bakery: 7.5 out of 10 pasties

The Buffy Musical Episode, Buffy TVS ep 6x07

2003-07-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

When it comes to television, I can't really say I'm a fanboy. I don't think I've ever understood a full episode of The X-files, I've seen maybe three episodes of Star Trek, and I'd be hard pressed to even come up with any characters from Dr. No (does "Dr. No" count?). Buffy is no exception-- I know Sarah Michelle Gellar and Allyson Hannigan are in it, and I did see the movie with hotty Kristy Swanson, but I've never really seen the show or been interested in it at all. Nevertheless, the Buffy musical episode is classic post-modern (which basically means post-Seinfeld) television at its finest. With his self-referential sarcastic bravado and catchy, WB-friendly teen witticisms in full play, I suspect series creator Joss Whedon is behind all this. The Buffy cast harmonizes, flips, dances, yodels, and cracks jokes throughout, complete with background visual gags, and, almost incredibly, it works. It works well. Whedon, I guess, realizes you can only do "Buffy The Vampire Slayer slays vampires" stories so many times, and so a basic "demon attacks Townville" plot actually becomes a sort of deconstruction of the show and its characters. Lines like "so we will walk through the fire" are pushed up next to "I think this line's mostly filler," creating a mix of a mix of a mix of "pop hits" and "book numbers." Not since the South Park movie has the musical form been used so sarcastically, so referentially, and, interestingly enough, so effectively. From the opening bars to curtain close, this is Good Stuff. Too bad X-files never did a stunt like this-- maybe I would have understood it. Buffy Musical Episode: 8 out of 10 synchronized vampire slayers

TRON 2.0 multiplayer demo

2003-07-09T21:57:00.001-05:00

Tron 2.0 = new suck game 2.0 The Disk Arena game is just not fun. The only thing that I did find amusing was the light cycle game. However, the camera always seemed to be working against me and I can easily download a free light cycle type game such as glTron where I dont have to fight against the camera. In case you want to play gltron here is the link. http://www.gltron.org/ Tron: 2.0 out of 10.0 light cycles

SOULMATES and CITY, unaired pilots

2003-07-08T23:43:00.000-05:00

My opinion was heard in a big way this evening. That's right, what better way to share my thoughts on television with a visit to a television preview. The St. Peters Holiday Inn was the site, and we got to check out two different unaired pilots, a dewy, soapy previous life drama starring tv's Kim Raver named (tentatively) Soulmates, and a post Mary Tyler Moore show Valerie Harper vehicle named, simply, City (think Spin City but dumber, plus one craaazy daughter). I don't really think I need to spare you the gory details-- they both pretty much sucked. Both need new actors, better writers, and basically both need to be refilmed completely. Of course, that's why they're unaired, right? You'll never see these shows, so why am I sharing a review of them? After an hour of this stuff, the crowd (maybe 40 people from 20-60 years old) was asked its opinions, first by complex survey, and then by a simple hand-raising. Of course I didn't see everybody's survey, but in a simple thumbs up thumbs down show of hands, 20% of people liked Soulmates, and 70% liked City!! This is a drama worse than Cop Rock, and a sitcom worse than BECKER!! And people are giving approval! Why, then, did they thumbs up the shows? Sure, they say, it was pretty bad, but it wasn't much worse than anything else on TV today. And that's my problem here, and one reason I started this site. To get better entertainment, you can't meekly accept the status quo. Just because one action movie is just as good as any other action movie out that summer, or one sitcom makes you laugh only as much as another sitcom doesn't mean they should be hits. That's why I chose two unaired, stupid shows to begin reviewing, other than figuring I'll start out at the bottom and move up. As a critic (an unexperienced one at this point, but one nonetheless) I won't stand for mediocrity, or say something is worth watching, listening to, playing, or reading, just because it's barely above average. Entertainment, and culture in general, needs to be pushed for improvement, and when it's improved, needs to be pushed even more. Granted, if there is value in something, I don't plan to let it go unrecognized, but no punches will be pulled. If it sucks, you'll know it. And so, to complete my first review, both of these shows sucked. The TV Preview itself was ok, but where was the freakin punch and pie?!?! I was to understand there'd be some... Soulmates: 1 out of 10 past lives City: 2 out of 10 past-their-prime sitcom stars

Welcome to RJ's HOP

2003-07-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

Hey and welcome. Here's where I'll be posting reviews and stuff of whatever I read, see, play, eat, whatever. Thanks for stopping in. Posts start soon.